10 Things I Wish I Knew About Communication Before I Ever Opened My Mouth

Healthy communication is important for any relationship. If a marriage is to thrive, a husband and wife need to learn how to speak openly about their feelings and opinions, their values and vantage points. It’s in this very merger of differing communication styles where relationships are built up or broken down. Here are some simple observations I’ve made over the years:

1.     People can say the dumbest things.

Did you ever misplace something like your car keys or the remote control to the television? After a grueling search you finally find it. Then someone points out the obvious: that it’s always in the last place you look. Well, wouldn’t that be true whenever and wherever you find it? That’s what makes it the last place, because you don’t have to look for it anymore!

2.     It’s easy to get yourself into trouble and harder to get out of it.

Open mouth and insert foot. We’ve all done it – probably more often than we’d care to admit. Trying to justify or talk your way out of it can even make matters worse.

3.     The only person who can control what I say is me.

Not everything someone says deserves a response. We should listen more and talk less. Respond when necessary rather than react impulsively. The Bible is pretty matter-of-fact about it. “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” (Proverbs 10:19)

4.     Just because someone makes a promise doesn’t mean that it will happen.

Society has gone from handshakes to iron clad written contracts. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just kept their word? Benjamin Franklin once said, “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” Sounds like he might have gotten burned on a promise or two in his time.

5.     Men and women talk completely different languages.

Just ask any married person. Why do you think I wrote the book, Does Anyone Speak Female? God has wired us very differently. At first blush, one would think it is to completely frustrate us. But we have an opportunity to learn how to love, cherish, and understand our mate – even if at times they seem alien to us.

6.     Sticks and stones may break my bones and words hurt too!

You’re lying if you say they don’t. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of insults, criticisms, and name-calling knows the damage words can cause. Our world is filled with the broken spirits of those who have endured such verbal assaults.

7.     It’s incredibly easy to be misunderstood.

That’s why it is so important to weigh what you say. Proverbs 15:28 tells us, “The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.” What you say is not always what the other person hears. Learn how to identify and empathize with others to minimize this ubiquitous communication challenge.

8.     I can make someone’s day better.

Starting with my spouse and children, I have the ability to speak words of comfort, healing, encouragement, and motivation. I can inspire, compliment, and affirm. “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!” (Proverbs 15:23)

9.     You can’t please everyone no matter what you say.

Every leader, whether in church or politics, knows that you can’t satisfy all the people all the time. Someone is bound to take offense or differ in position from you.

10.  You can get what you want by the words that you speak.

Proverbs 12:14 states, “People can get many good things by the words they say.” There really is life in the power of your tongue. But there is more to just what you say…it’s how and when you say it.

Keeping Romance Alive

I remember a few years back when I asked my wife the question, “Who do you think is more romantic, me or you”? I was pretending to be innocent because I was sure that she would admit it was me. That would make me feel good about myself; and it would also point out to her that she needed to step it up a bit.

What happened next totally caught me off guard. Instead of getting the answer I expected, she said, “I don’t think either one of us is that romantic.”

What! What about all the lunches or dinners that I take you to? Or what about the movie dates? Or what about the sweet things I say to you or the way I help out at home?

She told me those things are great… but they’re not necessarily romantic.

I was stunned! She might as well have kicked me because after all this time I thought I was a pretty romantic guy. And now I’m hearing that I’m a nice guy, even a good husband, but not romantic.

One of the greatest complaints from so many married couples is that their relationship has lost its spark. And as vague as that sounds, we all know exactly what it means. We enter marriage believing ours will stand the test of time – that the ecstasy we were feeling during our dating and engagement will continue right on through our entire married life.

Then somewhere, somehow, at sometime, reality deals us a harsh blow and we stagger from the realization that we have to fight forward in our marriage just like so many others. Now we wonder if our relationship is even going to make it or if the lost spark means that we are no longer loved or in love.

This is where so many couples live their lives. They question the foundation and strength of their marriage because they no longer feel the love. So what is romance? What should it look like between a husband and wife?

Romance is one of those abstract properties that can mean different things to many people. Although being romantic may not be exactly definable, it is certainly describable. Just ask any woman. As you sit in the movie theater, you can hear their “oohs” and “aahs” whenever something “romantic” takes place between a couple.

An act of romance involves doing something to express one’s love or affection in a uniquely meaningful way.

• Personalize it. We don’t all define romance the same way. What works in your marriage may not work in ours. You can’t approach romance with a one-size-fits-all strategy, expecting the usual flowers and chocolates to be the all-encompassing answer for every occasion.

• Presentation matters. Our partners want to know they are important enough to us that we would be willing to go the extra mile.  Package that romantic effort with sincerity and originality.

• Be passionate. Take a look at the lovers in the Bible.  They start right off full speed ahead.  “Kiss me—full on the mouth!” (Song of Solomon1:2).  Kiss each other frequently and passionately.

• Plan ahead. While spontaneity can be incredible when it plays out right, romance typically takes some planning. Make an intentional effort to be creative and thoughtful. It won’t just happen by itself!

• Practice, practice, practice. Only the two of you can turn your marriage relationship into the storybook romance you want it to be.

Determine to build a strong and unbreakable commitment to your marriage covenant. Declare that each other is worth it.“He’s one in a million. There’s no one quite like him!” (Song of Solomon 5:10). “There’s no one like her on earth, never has been, never will be. She’s a woman beyond compare.” (Song of Solomon 6:8)

Faith is Not Enough

There was a time when marriage was a forever concept.  It wasn’t a roll of the dice or a spin of the wheel hoping to land on the right number.  It was a prayerful, premeditated, carefully calculated decision that the person you choose is the person you determine to do life together with.  Today, so many flippantly enter marriage naively believing that things will automatically go well because the two of you were allegedly meant for each other.  You date for a while, fall in love, decide it’s time to settle down, and venture forth into the unknown of the great beyond known as marriage with little training or understanding as to what lies ahead.  You simply have faith that your marriage will work.

In 2 Peter 1:5 we read, “Add to your faith virtue.”  In other words, now that you have faith don’t stop there.  Faith is foundational, but it is not enough.  You have a responsibility to keep moving, to keep growing, and virtue should be what you are striving to add to your basic faith.  Putting this within the context of marriage, it is not enough to have faith that your marriage will go well; you have a responsibility to add to that faith.

I like what it says in The Message translation.  We are admonished to keep building upon what we have been given as Christians, “complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love” (2 Peter 1:5-7).  While we could elaborate on all these virtues, let’s look at just a few.

Can you imagine a marriage where you didn’t just passively hope that all would go well, but you actually took upon yourself the responsibility for your own personal growth?  What if you brought good character to the table and your spouse didn’t have to wonder if you were trustworthy or telling the truth – where your reputation for integrity preceded you and your spouse knew you always had their back?

What does it even mean to have “passionate patience?”  I can be patient at times, but am I passionate about extending patience to my spouse?  Can you imagine how he or she would feel if they knew that we were excited and more than willing to extend them grace for their shortcomings or even their thoughtlessness?

“Warm friendliness” within a marriage looks like a best friend relationship.  Lovers should continue to enjoy meaningful conversation seeking to know each other’s hurts and hopes, as well as being an intimate and intricate part of one another’s world.  “Generous love” overlooks each other’s faults, and instead determines to give and sacrifice whether or not we think the other person deserves it.

Take responsibility for your marriage by taking responsibility for the part that you play.  Each of us have so much to learn and areas where we can grow.  Begin by using the Word of God as your standard of measure.  Let faith be your starting point, but don’t rest there.  The Lord has greatness for your marriage as you invest your faith in Him and ask for help to “add to your faith virtue.”