1.     People can say the dumbest things.

Did you ever misplace something like your car keys or the remote control to the television? After a grueling search you finally find it. Then someone points out the obvious: that it’s always in the last place you look. Well, wouldn’t that be true whenever and wherever you find it? That’s what makes it the last place, because you don’t have to look for it anymore!

2.     It’s easy to get yourself into trouble and harder to get out of it.

Open mouth and insert foot. We’ve all done it – probably more often than we’d care to admit. Trying to justify or talk your way out of it can even make matters worse.

3.     The only person who can control what I say is me.

Not everything someone says deserves a response. We should listen more and talk less. Respond when necessary rather than react impulsively. The Bible is pretty matter-of-fact about it. “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” (Proverbs 10:19)

4.     Just because someone makes a promise doesn’t mean that it will happen.

Society has gone from handshakes to iron clad written contracts. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just kept their word? Benjamin Franklin once said, “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” Sounds like he might have gotten burned on a promise or two in his time.

5.     Men and women talk completely different languages.

Just ask any married person. Why do you think I wrote the book, Does Anyone Speak Female? God has wired us very differently. At first blush, one would think it is to completely frustrate us. But we have an opportunity to learn how to love, cherish, and understand our mate – even if at times they seem alien to us.

6.     Sticks and stones may break my bones and words hurt too!

You’re lying if you say they don’t. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of insults, criticisms, and name-calling knows the damage words can cause. Our world is filled with the broken spirits of those who have endured such verbal assaults.

7.     It’s incredibly easy to be misunderstood.

That’s why it is so important to weigh what you say. Proverbs 15:28 tells us, “The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.” What you say is not always what the other person hears. Learn how to identify and empathize with others to minimize this ubiquitous communication challenge.

8.     I can make someone’s day better.

Starting with my spouse and children, I have the ability to speak words of comfort, healing, encouragement, and motivation. I can inspire, compliment, and affirm. “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!” (Proverbs 15:23)

9.     You can’t please everyone no matter what you say.

Every leader, whether in church or politics, knows that you can’t satisfy all the people all the time. Someone is bound to take offense or differ in position from you.

10.  You can get what you want by the words that you speak.

Proverbs 12:14 states, “People can get many good things by the words they say.” There really is life in the power of your tongue. But there is more to just what you say…it’s how and when you say it.

What happened next totally caught me off guard. Instead of getting the answer I expected, she said, “I don’t think either one of us is that romantic.”

What! What about all the lunches or dinners that I take you to? Or what about the movie dates? Or what about the sweet things I say to you or the way I help out at home?

She told me those things are great… but they’re not necessarily romantic.

I was stunned! She might as well have kicked me because after all this time I thought I was a pretty romantic guy. And now I’m hearing that I’m a nice guy, even a good husband, but not romantic.

One of the greatest complaints from so many married couples is that their relationship has lost its spark. And as vague as that sounds, we all know exactly what it means. We enter marriage believing ours will stand the test of time – that the ecstasy we were feeling during our dating and engagement will continue right on through our entire married life.

Then somewhere, somehow, at sometime, reality deals us a harsh blow and we stagger from the realization that we have to fight forward in our marriage just like so many others. Now we wonder if our relationship is even going to make it or if the lost spark means that we are no longer loved or in love.

This is where so many couples live their lives. They question the foundation and strength of their marriage because they no longer feel the love. So what is romance? What should it look like between a husband and wife?

Romance is one of those abstract properties that can mean different things to many people. Although being romantic may not be exactly definable, it is certainly describable. Just ask any woman. As you sit in the movie theater, you can hear their “oohs” and “aahs” whenever something “romantic” takes place between a couple.

An act of romance involves doing something to express one’s love or affection in a uniquely meaningful way.

• Personalize it. We don’t all define romance the same way. What works in your marriage may not work in ours. You can’t approach romance with a one-size-fits-all strategy, expecting the usual flowers and chocolates to be the all-encompassing answer for every occasion.

• Presentation matters. Our partners want to know they are important enough to us that we would be willing to go the extra mile.  Package that romantic effort with sincerity and originality.

• Be passionate. Take a look at the lovers in the Bible.  They start right off full speed ahead.  “Kiss me—full on the mouth!” (Song of Solomon1:2).  Kiss each other frequently and passionately.

• Plan ahead. While spontaneity can be incredible when it plays out right, romance typically takes some planning. Make an intentional effort to be creative and thoughtful. It won’t just happen by itself!

• Practice, practice, practice. Only the two of you can turn your marriage relationship into the storybook romance you want it to be.

Determine to build a strong and unbreakable commitment to your marriage covenant. Declare that each other is worth it.“He’s one in a million. There’s no one quite like him!” (Song of Solomon 5:10). “There’s no one like her on earth, never has been, never will be. She’s a woman beyond compare.” (Song of Solomon 6:8)

In 2 Peter 1:5 we read, “Add to your faith virtue.”  In other words, now that you have faith don’t stop there.  Faith is foundational, but it is not enough.  You have a responsibility to keep moving, to keep growing, and virtue should be what you are striving to add to your basic faith.  Putting this within the context of marriage, it is not enough to have faith that your marriage will go well; you have a responsibility to add to that faith.

I like what it says in The Message translation.  We are admonished to keep building upon what we have been given as Christians, “complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love” (2 Peter 1:5-7).  While we could elaborate on all these virtues, let’s look at just a few.

Can you imagine a marriage where you didn’t just passively hope that all would go well, but you actually took upon yourself the responsibility for your own personal growth?  What if you brought good character to the table and your spouse didn’t have to wonder if you were trustworthy or telling the truth – where your reputation for integrity preceded you and your spouse knew you always had their back?

What does it even mean to have “passionate patience?”  I can be patient at times, but am I passionate about extending patience to my spouse?  Can you imagine how he or she would feel if they knew that we were excited and more than willing to extend them grace for their shortcomings or even their thoughtlessness?

“Warm friendliness” within a marriage looks like a best friend relationship.  Lovers should continue to enjoy meaningful conversation seeking to know each other’s hurts and hopes, as well as being an intimate and intricate part of one another’s world.  “Generous love” overlooks each other’s faults, and instead determines to give and sacrifice whether or not we think the other person deserves it.

Take responsibility for your marriage by taking responsibility for the part that you play.  Each of us have so much to learn and areas where we can grow.  Begin by using the Word of God as your standard of measure.  Let faith be your starting point, but don’t rest there.  The Lord has greatness for your marriage as you invest your faith in Him and ask for help to “add to your faith virtue.”

God intentionally designed us differently as men and women. Was it to drive you nuts?  Sometimes it may really seem so, but that would be inconsistent with God’s loving nature. What may have come as a surprise is that your spouse will be completely opposite of you in so many ways that it will really take a dependency on God to make a marriage work. Because it’s in those trying moments and challenging experiences within marriage when you realize you need strength and understanding beyond yourselves.

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare treasure.” (Proverbs 24:3-4)

What kind of marriage are you constructing with your spouse?  Are you building your house with wisdom?  Establishing it through understanding?  Filling it with knowledge? It’s time to take personal responsibility for your contribution to your marriage.  Rather than trying to change your spouse, embrace one another’s differences as an opportunity to love as Christ loves.  Pray and seek God for wisdom, understanding, and knowledge so that you can enjoy the rare treasure of an amazing marriage.

Last night I had the privilege of having an evening out with my sixteen-year old daughter – just the two of us.  After a movie and some ice cream, the stage was set.  Like two seasoned movie critics, we reviewed the movie with one another sharing our highlights while critiquing the plot and characters. We laughed and talked, about everything, yet about nothing. But somehow tonight was going to be different. Rather than me having to force conversation or ask random philosophical questions about life, love, and other mysteries concerning the teen years, she just let it fly on her own.  Now suddenly I’m hearing about her dreams and fears, her hopes and failures. 

Is this really happening? Am I really getting a free peek into my teenager’s world? Hearing her communicate about matters important to her fills me with so much I want to say… I could advise her on that issue, and console her on the other. I want to correct her for this and applaud her for that. But having raised her four older siblings I somehow instinctively know if I get on my parental soapbox too soon and opine emphatically or try and solve all of her problems like we dads are so prone to do, I may risk shutting her down and lose the delicateness of the moment. She proceeds to cautiously inch forward testing my reactions and responses to assess if she is safe to continue her conversational journey of vulnerability with me.

The magnitude of the moment strikes me later. What an amazing privilege it was to hear what was going on in my daughter’s mind and heart. She has an incredible individuality that is sensitive, while intentionally striving to please her parents and forge a successful tomorrow. She openly shared dreams of her future, and at the same time accepted responsibility for some dumb mistakes of her past. (Who is this? Where’s my real daughter?) I got to hear her reflections on family stuff, secret crushes, friendship challenges, scholastic aspirations, and spiritual desires. Every bit a teenager, I actually caught a glimpse of her healthy sojourn toward adulthood.

Why was this night so different from other nights? We’ve gone to movies together before. We’ve had ice cream together before. Was it the magical blend of the two – movies and ice cream -like some psychedelic concoction that caused her to let down her protective teenage guard and allow me access tonight? Or was it just a dad and daughter spending enough time together to foster a relationship built on trust and safety that would allow a unique opportunity like this to occur?

If there is a morale to my rambling, it would simply be that parents must spend both quality and quantity time with their teenagers. Our children know the difference between contrived effort and relaxed relationship building. It’s simply being there for them through the highs and lows of growing up where that relational bonding and trust germinates. And while we clearly have the God-given responsibility to correct and direct them, we don’t always have to steal the stage from them prematurely to turn everything they say back on them. Listening without judging is sometimes the order for the moment.

Hey, wanna see a movie and get some ice cream again tomorrow?

Interestingly, the very thing that we need so desperately from our soul mate – communication – is the same thing that can make or break our relationship. That’s why the precise and delicate selection of our words is so critically important.

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. (Proverbs 18:21 MSG)

In ancient Roman times gladiators fought in public venues as sport to entertain the great crowds. At the end of each battle the emperor or highest ranking magistrate overseeing the contest would determine the loser’s final fate. He accomplished this by assessing the crowd’s reaction to the plight of the wounded combatant. Upon his cue, the frenzied spectators voted their ruling by pointing their thumbs up or down, indicating whether or not the loser lived or died. At the emperor’s fateful signal, it was then the champion’s duty to carry out the verdict and either grant mercy to his opponent or deal the death blow.

As melodramatic of an analogy as this might be to the topic of communication, so it is with our words. What we say carries such great weight and responsibility. It’s as if everything that comes out of our mouth is measured by a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down to the hearers. We are actually giving life or death to our spouse.

Imagine if we could weigh the words we are about to speak to our mate on a life-or-death scale. To which side would the balance tip? Pray to be more aware of what you say to the one you love. Recognize that you have the exclusive marital prerogative to build up or tear down. Exercise your privilege to add value to your husband or wife by speaking life-giving words.

In every marriage there are times when relational difficulties need to be addressed. The sticking point is that often only one spouse is troubled by the issue while the other seems to continue living life unaffected by the problem.

Consider Esther. She was a Jew living incognito as the queen of Persia. After Haman convinced King Xerxes to annihilate all the Jews in the empire, Esther found herself in a sticky predicament. To remain silent might safeguard her identity, but would also most definitely signify the end of her people. There was only one appropriate course of action: approach her husband, King Xerxes, and ask him to reverse his edict.

It took courage for Esther to initiate such a sensitive conversation with her husband. She risked royal justice for keeping her Jewish ethnicity a secret from him. There was also the issue that no one, not even the queen herself, could enter the king’s court without a personal invitation as evidenced by the king extending his golden scepter. To do so could mean death. Because of the serious consequences associated with her planned action, Esther implored her Uncle Mordecai to have all the Jews in Susa join her in a three-day fast. She knew that in addition to finding the courage to pursue this course of action, she would also need God’s supernatural favor as she prepared herself to speak with her husband.

So it can be in many marriages. To broach certain matters at home often requires courage to initiate. Many spouses prefer to just ignore delicate subjects at home rather than stir up trouble with their mate. But Esther shows us a great formula for success. If you have something eating away at you, then you obviously need to address it with your spouse. She knew that the onus of responsibility fell upon her to confront her husband since Xerxes was completely unaware that there was even an issue. As much as she would have preferred to avoid the matter altogether, the problem would not disappear without further action. Esther determined that she would muster the courage to speak to her husband even if it meant her death.

Within marriage, one spouse is typically more naturally assertive than the other. The nonassertive spouse needs to develop courage to confront their partner with confidence that there will be safety in the outcome. So how do you gather the courage to initiate what you need to say?

Begin with a dogged determination to deal with whatever needs attention no matter how difficult the challenge. Issues left unaddressed can cause mounting anxiety within the person that is suppressing their emotion. Prepare a strategy of what, when, and how to say what you are feeling. When we take thoughtful measures to prepare what we are going to say along with when and how we will say it, we set ourselves up for successful resolution. Whether or not the matter immediately dissipates you will feel better having released the emotional pressure valve. Now, with everything out in the open, the relationship has a chance to move out of its static condition toward growth and healing.

FOXNews.com – EXCLUSIVE: NBC Encouraged Infidelity Site AshleyMadison.com to Advertise on ‘The Marriage Ref’

How low must we go?  Where are today’s promoters of marital fidelity?  Who is going to stand up and remind the world that having a good marriage takes work and intentional investment?  When are we going to say, “That’s enough!” to the cynics and anti-marriage crusaders who want us to be as miserable as they are?

Every married person acknowledges that marriage has its ebbs and flows.  But just because a marriage hits a rough patch here and there, or even regularly, will never grant justification to venture outside those exclusive boundaries for gratification.  Marriage is a covenant – a vow taken before God and people - to persevere through thick and thin, better and worse.  Yet our society has adopted a cavalier and even calloused mindset toward the possibility of working things out within marriage.  Extramarital affairs are becoming more acceptable as a byproduct of a struggling relationship while ignoring the devastating aftermath.

No one said marriage was going to be easy.  Anything worthwhile will take commitment and surrender - commitment to one another and surrender of your own agenda for the good of the marital union.  If you want fun and excitement, passion and understanding, intimacy and companionship within your marriage, then take the necessary steps to move in that direction.  The state of your marriage will reflect exactly what you are willing to invest in it.